Gotta Squint My Eyes

Carla

This has been a long pause on my part. I apologize for that. Sometimes in my pauses, the silence grows and builds like a snowball rolling down a snow-laden hill. That big ball gains both size and speed as it rolls down. However, I am not trying to build a snowman right now. (I am doubting my analogy-creating-skills just now, so to further explain: this was an analogy connecting my long silence to a big snowball).
So here I am now, sitting at my desk. I cracked my knuckles, and am now coaxing words from this distracted brain of mine to break this silence.
Sometimes life feels difficult to me. During the hard parts, I have to squint my eyes to find the beauty in the pain. And I am trusting God that there is beauty waiting to be discovered. I could easily write to you about the wonder, about the amazing things occurring around me. There are awesome things happening here.  However, instead, today I want to share about some of my heart’s aches, and how sometimes I feel like the worst person in the world.
The highlight of my Thanksgiving this year happened after the dinner party. My roommate and I were cleaning up together. Barefooted, I swept the brownie crumbs off the cracked tile floor in my living room. She attacked the column of dirty dishes waiting beside the sink. We talked for hours. What are your hopes? What about love? What about sadness, disappointments, heartache?  I thank God for this precious and normal moment. She wasn’t in a hurry to get away. I wasn’t on my way out the door to the next thing. We just were doing life together. This felt normal. I ache for more moments of normalcy like that. I am not craving novelty just now.
I think, in the past, my life for God was more easily quantified and documented. Taking photos as I helped run art schools or helped make evangelistic videos felt easier.I am studying a lot just now and photos of me hunched over my computer seem dumb. I guess I share that to explain some of the silence. 
With all of me, I study. I strive to be faithful, and I trust this season is preparing me for what is coming. I am learning Thai, and working on a graduate degree. Life feels hard right now. Missing my family is a constant and dull ache in my heart. My expectation of perfection in me makes the process of learning and living more difficult too. Deep breath, right? Yeah.

Thank you for your prayers as we cry out together: God your will be done. Feelings aside, happiness or sadness, God you are bigger. I trust you with this life. We trust you. Amen. 

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