Sometimes I catch myself praying really… gosh. Which word would I use? Desperate? Ridiculous? Ambitious? Prayers. I’ve known the Lord for a little over two years now. And… this last month all I can think is, “Jesus! I miss you! Why am I feeling so far away from your beautiful heart??” And my prayer? While reading 1 Corinthians and the gospel of Matthew—“Jesus! Don’t let me EVER forget what I once was. Don’t let me forget the incredible things that you have done for me. Never let me forget what you have saved me from. Your love is incredible. Your love has absolutely CHANGED my life! Don’t let me become complacent or forget the majesty of coming to know you Jesus. Don’t let me forget that apart from you I AM a child of wrath.”
My confession? I was HOPING that I would be able to have a one-on-one with God. That it could be a quiet and hush-hush sort of conversation that no one else would need to be privy. The yuck in your heart isn’t the most fun to share. Even as I type this though I think back to the times when people have been vulnerable enough to share about the less than’s. You know. The I-don’t-have-it-all-together-Christianity-BUT-I-LOVE-Jesus-and-I-trust-Him-to-be-bigger-than-this-sin/struggle-I-am-walking-through-right-now. Life, even as beautiful as it is with the Lord, is still riddled with heartache and stretching as we grow. Sharing what your relationship with Jesus looks like in the midst of the less-than’s is really powerful.
I asked God to never let me forget who I once was. God is faithful. He is so faithful. God then opened my eyes to situations that have helped me to unzip, open and peer inside my heart. This isn’t something that a person is usually able to do by themselves either. Unfortunately. So what situation happened, right?
I’m finding creativity and expression these days in digital media—photography, digital film, writing, and a wee bit of painting. Well what happens when a friend, someone you love. A person you have fought to love. Asks you to share the footage you’ve painstakingly and joyously captured? They want to make a video as well and they know you have quite a lot of footage.
The right answer? I think anyway is, “YES! Absolutely! Here is my laptop—take anything you think will help!” Man. I really wanted to find that answer in my heart. But, I didn’t. God is the only reason why I am able to take photos and video and have this experience. And I am so thankful! The, “YES!” was what I wanted to be in my heart.
Instead? All I managed was a mumbled, “sure…” and averted eye contact and feelings of insecurity and vulnerability and feelings of cautiousness in sharing. Not really wanting to share. Gross. My next thought?
“What do I do with this?!?” And immediately after, “Who could I talk to and process this with?”
God nudges me and says, “How about we process this together Carla? This is what you asked to see. The things in your heart. Remember?” God is good. So what did I do? I talked to this person that I love with words of love, vulnerability and honesty. There is so much grace to be found in honesty and humility.
1 Corinthians 8: Love never fails.