Have you ever had a moment in time when you knew you were living THE dream? You know you had the look, the job, the car, the house… the anything and everything you ever wanted?
I did.
After graduating college I made what turned into a failed attempt to join the Peace Corps. Since trying to change the world didn’t work out, I decided to launch myself into the American Dream. I think to the untrained eye, or casual acquaintance, I appeared as some kind of a rockstar living a spectacular life.
At the age of 25 I owned my my car, house, and was successfully working as an artist.
I definitely, “had it going on,” as they say. Well, except that I didn’t. Not really.
In the midst of all my success? I was ridiculously unhappy. Yeah, I was really depressed. The pressure and stress of maintaining my superhero facade was catching up to me. I was making mortgage payments, partying, and navigating new teaching opportunities. Like a sick third sense, I felt like there was an impending doom coming. And slowly the threads that held my epic and dreamy life together began to unwind. The seeming doom came through…
…the end of a longtime relationship (I thought we were going to get married?).
…trouble in my work (what if I lose my job?).
…the loss of friends (I thought you guys loved me?).
I was TERRIFIED of what the future might hold. What would happen if I lost my job? My house? My car? Myself?
I was depending on myself. I was an ever emotional, fiercely independent, passionate woman who second guessed and doubted EVERY decision that I made. And with the loss of my then boyfriend and friends? I felt. so. alone. Maybe you know that type of alone? Painful. Excruciating. All encompassing and anxiety inducing because what-if-this-feeling-never-ends!?!-alone.
So what? Why am I telling you this? Life has ups and downs: Moms with three kids get laid off from their only jobs. Car accidents happen and we lose precious ones in our lives to death. What does my stupid “perfect” life unwinding have to do with anything?
I finally found the end of myself in the winter of 2009. That’s when I realized that I COUDLN’T DO IT anymore and I gave my life to Jesus. I didn’t want the American dream, I didn’t need to be a professional artist, I didn’t care if I had a boyfriend or even friends— I was done. When I realized that no amount of striving or planning on my part was going to save me, I asked Jesus into my life. I asked Him to help me carry this weight. I asked Jesus if He could save me? In that place God wrapped me up in His arms and told me that He loved me. God’s love, Jesus’ love, is what drew me to God. In losing my life that way, God saved me.
Fast forward four and a half years and I am serving God as a missionary to Thailand. I’m passionate about people encountering the love of God. My life looks COMPLETELY different from what I ever dreamed it would. And? Sometimes that is a bit scary, but I love that about my life focused on God.
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| Coloring and learning about God’s promises in Thailand 2011 |
I want you to know that God has PLANS for you and that you have been created special, unique, BEAUTIFUL. You are WORTHY of love because Jesus says that you are. Maybe you have something that you have done in your life and are ashamed about it? Maybe you’ve never even told a single other person, but God knows. He loves you ANYWAY. Are you ready to receive His forgiveness?
My blog posts aren’t always like this— sometimes they are silly or inspiring or random, but if you want someone to pray with you send me an email, or a message. I’d be honored to stand with you in prayer.